I am supposed to write myself a letter. A letter where I tell myself how angry I am with myself at different stages of my life. I am not really sure what this letter is supposed to accomplish, or if it will help to fix me, but at this point, I am willing to try anything. So, I guess I will start as far back as I can remember.
To young me, the 6 to 8 year old me that was so stupid for believing that life had any potential to be anything but tragic and painful. To that me, I am angry for not being able to comprehend that what was happening to me was wrong. I am angry that I could grasp the concept that no one was supposed to know but couldnt understand that I didnt have to just live with it. I am angry that I kept my mouth shut, that I kept thinking it would stop, or that I must be making things up in my head. I am angry that I looked so appealing to a predator because I was too stupid to know any better. And I am angry that I wasnt strong enough to find a way to stop it.
The slightly older me, the 10 to 12 year old me, I am angry that I convinced myself that it was my fault. I am angry that I didnt scream at the top of my lungs that someone was hurting me. I am angry that I believed that everyone would blame me, because I blamed me. I am angry that I was more afraid of causing problems than saving myself. And, most of all, I am angry that I tried to make myself fat and ugly so that he wouldnt want to hurt me anymore.
To 15 year old me, I am angry for convincing myself that I could get away from it. I am angry that I ran away from home so that I wouldnt have to live in that house with him anymore. I am angry that instead of sticking it out for a few more years, that I chose that moment to speak up. I am angry that I let him manipulate my family into thinking I was crazy and out of control. I am angry that I didnt stand up and fight harder to make them believe me. I am angry that I missed my cat and my brother so much that I lied and said I made it all up just so that I could go home. I am angry that I let my mother and my brother hate me so that I didnt have to feel so alone. I am angry that I didnt think I was important enough to be heard.
To 17 year old me, boy did you make me angry. Why didnt you scream "I told you so" when he confessed? Why didnt you make them all apologize for how they treated you for the two years they believed you were a lying bitch? Why didnt you dance on the death of his military career and demand justice for what he did to you? Why did you sit back and try to make it better for everyone else and not yourself? Why did you let you brother walk away because you were "too much drama". Why did you console everyone and make yourself smaller for them. Why did you attach yourself to another abusive man just to get away from everything? Why werent you strong enough to stop the cycle?
To 19 year old me. Here you go again! You let everyone believe that you were the problem, that you were the reason things went so badly. Yet again, you didnt stand up for yourself. You didnt fight them when they blamed you. You just let them think you were crazy and overemotional. You didnt even argue! Just backed away, took your son, and left them to their incorrect assumptions. You didnt tell them how he treated you, how he belittled you, how he demanded you to behave. I am angry with you for not cutting them all out of your life this time. Let them think what they want and remove them from you heart and your mind completely. No, I just keep giving them what they want in some ridiculous attempt to make them love me.
To older me, that 30 year old me that spent years jumping in and out of relationships with men, and with friends. The me that couldnt find a way to accept any version of love that I might have actually deserved. Only focused on those that can make me feel that pain that I have become accustomed to. How did you end up with this man. The man that looks so good to everyone else, that makes you believe that he loves you more than anyone else. That makes you believe that its your fault when he pushes you, or hits you, or shuts you out as punishment. How could you not know? How could you let him in? How could you stay with him for so long just to prove that you arent a failure at everything. How could you let him beat you down with his words and his hands? Why did you make excuses for him, defend him, go back to him over and over again? Why did you let your fear of being alone keep you there? Why did he have to almost kill you before you worked up the strength to leave? Why are you always finding ways to make yourself insignificant.
To the me over the years, I am truly angry. No matter how far I go, no matter what I accomplish in life, I am still small. I still cant stand up to the man who took my childhood, I still cant fight against the man that broke my sons heart. I still cant work up the courage to punish anyone but myself. I am angry that I am still weak, that I still cant look at myself in the mirror and see anything of value. That all I can hear are their words in my head. "You will never be good at anything" "You will always be a disappointment" "You are not worth the trouble" "You always mess things up" "You never do anything right" "You dont matter?" "No one will ever love you"
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