I have been struggling with a way to begin my blog. Where do I start? Do I try to be catchy and engaging like all those writers I envy? Do I try to take my potential readers back to the beginning of my life? Where is the right point in this shit storm to bring you all in and give you an understand of where I come from?
I guess I will just being by brushing the surface of my 40 plus years of existence. My attempt at building the foundation of our journey through my life and all the stories I will tell you.
I go into this with the full expectation that my rantings will sometimes rub you the wrong way. That my opinions will make you question my sanity. And that some of you will even try to knock me down. Rest assured, I have had all of these reactions, I have fostered them and let them grow, and I have cut them out of my heart one by one... and I am still here.
So, lets begin...
It was a dark and stormy night... just kidding, I have no idea what kind of night it was. I am sure that someone told me, that my parents informed me of the weather on the night I was born, but I honestly cant remember. I just know that on a night in March, in the 1970's, I came into this world. I'm sure, though I cannot prove this theory, that everyone was overjoyed at my entrance. I am confident that when my mother looked into my eyes that first time, she was all full of hopes and dreams for her baby girl.
I can tell you things probably didn't go the way she expected on that day. My childhood didn't exactly lend itself to happy stories of joy and fulfillment. I'm more aligned with one of those novels where you read about the poor traumatized girl who has to overcome too much, too young. Only, I don't find some handsome prince in chapter three. I found it much easier to place myself in replicated relationships. Abuse and terror are what I knew. In fact, its all I knew as I became an adult and tried to take back control of my life.
I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the cycle. As hard as I tried to find my place, the only thing I could manage to do, was luck out in picking a good career path. I think, as I look back, that I became so successful professionally, because it was the only place I was able to take control of what was happening to me. Where working hard for something actually paid off. My personal life was a constant disaster. I was insanity. Making the same bad choice over and over again, always expecting a different result.
Yes, there was a point, personally, where I got off of that merry-go-round and found a way to stop the madness, but it took a lot longer than I like to admit. Professionally, I was solid. People turned to me for advice, large organization trusted me and my opinion, and I was stepping up the ladder in a way that I loved. In that life, I was on point. That life is where I let myself be honest and true to my mission. Where I believed in myself and my mind. Where I was in control and aware of my value.
All in all, my life has been all over the place. When I think about everything I have experienced, the people I have encountered, and how I managed to live in two completely different worlds, I'm stunned. How did I get here? How have I managed not to crumble? How the hell did I find a way to keep going? No, not just "keep going"! How did I manage to survive this life and actually make something of myself in the process?
I'm hoping that I discover the answer by getting it all out of my head. It is highly likely that no one will ever read this. That I will never have the strength to actually post this for the world to scrutinize. In all actuality, I doubt I will even share this with the people who know me best. Though there aren't many, they would probably think I was too much drama for them anymore.
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