Who knew that I was splitting myself up into little pieces in my mind so that I could survive all of the things that have happened to me. At least that is what they are telling me now. After years of trying to figure out why I have problems with my memory, why I cannot seem to concentrate of any aspect of my life for very long, and why I find it hard to form relationships but have no problem severing them, they have an answer.
I cannot tell you how many therapists, councilors, and phycologists I have seen over the last 30 years, but it's a big enough number that I am having a little trouble digesting my latest diagnosis. I mean, don't get me wrong, I get it. It does make a lot of sense to me after reading everything I could find on the disorder. My problem is in the way that they seem to be confident that THIS finding is the answer. That THIS treatment plan is the one that is going to work. Every time I go back to therapy, they find something new to throw at me. This time, its Dissociative identity disorder, or DID for short.
But, wait?! Does that mean that I have multiple personalities? Apparently not. What it does mean is that my brain decided, a very long time ago, to compartmentalize so well that it actually created multiple versions of ME. Now, we have all seen the crime shows and T.V. dramas that provide a "not so pleasant" image of what this type of disorder represents. However, they absolutely assure me that its not the same thing.
I created my multiple Me's because my adolescent brain could not handle what was happening to me. Plus, since this started happening at such a young age, my brain became very good at, not only creating Me's, but switching between them as often as my brain thought was necessary. Which, of course, led me to ask them a critically important question. "Wouldn't I (or someone that claims to love me) know if I had more than one ME running around in my head?" Again, apparently not!
I do have to giggle a little at this thought. I mean, I created this site because I felt like there were these three different parts of my life that kind of existed on their own. I was having such a hard time bringing them together and understanding why each side had different levels of success. I couldn't quite figure out how to filter that success from one side to the other and visa versa.
It also makes a lot of sense if I stop to think about where I am now. Without my kids here to take care of, without a toxic relationship to focus on, and without the additional strains of abuse and uncertainty, WHO AM I? What exactly is my purpose? What do I do with myself if I have nothing to defend myself against?
Unfortunately, my brain has decided that NOW is the perfect time for the ME that has survived all the trauma to come out and play. My mind is completely cluttered with memories I had hoped were erased. My nights are filled with reenactments of all the terrible things that happened in my childhood. Now that I am finally in a place where I should be able to find peace, I am back in that bedroom. I am sitting on that couch. I am closing my eyes and pretending to be someone else.
That is what drove me back to get help. That is what led to the discovery of the many ME's that I have kept locked in my mind all these years.
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